Saying he was \u201csorry it had to come to this,\u201d Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said today that he was forming an \u201cindependent search committee\u201d to select a new Pope.<\/p>\n
The visibly upset jurist appeared at a press conference with the sole other member of the newly formed search committee, Justice Clarence Thomas.<\/p>\n
Justice Scalia said he had \u201cno other alternative\u201d but to pick a new Pope himself after reading what he called a \u201cdisturbing\u201d interview with Pope Francis today [19 Sep 2013]: \u201cThe Pope said he doesn\u2019t want to speak out against abortion and gay marriage. Well, sorry, my friend, but that\u2019s the entire job description. You should have thought of that before you let them blow that white smoke in Rome.\u201d<\/p>\n
Justice Scalia acknowledged that only the College of Cardinals has the legal authority to choose a Pope, but added, \u201cQuite frankly, those jokers got us into this mess. Right, Clarence?\u201d<\/p>\n
Justice Thomas had no comment.<\/p>\n
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Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. In 2001, he created the Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humor. The Borowitz Report was acquired by The New Yorker in 2012.<\/i><\/i><\/p>\n