{"id":40047,"date":"2014-02-24T12:00:14","date_gmt":"2014-02-24T12:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/?p=40047"},"modified":"2015-05-05T22:11:04","modified_gmt":"2015-05-05T21:11:04","slug":"polar-bears-grizzlies-to-merge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/2014\/02\/polar-bears-grizzlies-to-merge\/","title":{"rendered":"Polar Bears, Grizzlies to Merge"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_40048\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/polar-brizzly-bears.jpg\" ><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-40048\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-40048\" alt=\"Photograph by Steven Mullensky\/Corbis.\" src=\"http:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/polar-brizzly-bears-300x215.jpg\" width=\"300\" height=\"215\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/polar-brizzly-bears-300x215.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/polar-brizzly-bears.jpg 580w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-40048\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photograph by Steven Mullensky\/Corbis.<\/p><\/div>\n<p>In what observers are calling the largest merger ever between two species of mammal capable of mauling humans to death, polar bears and grizzly bears announced on Friday that they were joining forces in a friendly acquisition.<\/p>\n<p>If the merger goes through, the polar bears and grizzly bears would together be able to terrorize a much larger landmass than ever before, experts said.<\/p>\n<p>Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTo say that we\u2019re excited would be an understatement,\u201d said a spokesman for the grizzlies. \u201cFor years, we\u2019ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who\u2019ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that\u2014whoa. It\u2019s a dream come true.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>While critics of the merger have argued that it is anticompetitive, a spokesman for the polar bears disagreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think working with the grizzlies is just going to push us to savage more human flesh than ever before. Speaking for myself, I\u2019m ready to start mauling,\u201d he said, underscoring his point by eating a reporter.<\/p>\n<p>The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.<\/p>\n<p>__________________________<\/p>\n<p><i>Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. In 2001, he created the Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humor. The Borowitz Report was acquired by The New Yorker in 2012.<\/i><i><\/i><\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/www.newyorker.com\/online\/blogs\/borowitzreport\/2014\/02\/polar-bears-grizzlies-to-merge.html\" >Go to Original \u2013 newyorker.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal. \u201cFor years, we\u2019ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who\u2019ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that\u2014whoa. It\u2019s a dream come true,\u201d said a spokesman for the grizzlies. The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[213],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40047","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-food-for-thought"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40047","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=40047"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40047\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=40047"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=40047"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.transcend.org\/tms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=40047"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}