Scene:\u00a0 A cafe.\u00a0 One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets.<\/p>\n
Whenever the word “war” is repeated, they begin singing and\/or chanting.<\/p>\n
A man and woman enter.\u00a0 The man is played by Eric Idle, the woman is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the Secretary of State is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 You sit here, dear.<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 All right.<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Morning!<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Morning!<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Well, what’ve you got?<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, there’s sanctions and prosecutions; sanctions drone strikes and prosecutions; sanctions and war; sanctions prosecutions and war; sanctions prosecutions drone strikes and war; war prosecutions drone strikes and war; war sanctions war war prosecutions and war; war drone strikes war war prosecutions war cyber war and war;<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 War war war war…<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …war war war sanctions and war; war war war war war war targeted assassinations war war war…<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 War! Lovely war! Lovely war!<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …or a United Nations resolution combined with infiltration, a USAID fake Twitter application, a CIA overthrow, trained enhanced interrogators and with crippling sanctions on top and war.<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Have you got anything without war?<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, there’s war sanctions drone strikes and war, that’s not got much war in it.<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t want ANY war!<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Why can’t she have sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes?<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 THAT’S got war in it!<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Hasn’t got as much war in it as war sanctions drone strikes and war, has it?<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 War war war war… (Crescendo through next few lines…)<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Could you do the sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes without the war then?<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Urgghh!<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What do you mean ‘Urgghh’? I don’t like war!<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lovely war! Wonderful war!<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shut up!<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lovely war! Wonderful war!<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can’t have sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes without the war.<\/p>\n
Woman:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t like war!<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Sshh, dear, don’t cause a fuss. I’ll have your war. I love it. I’m having war war war war war war war targeted assassinations war war war and war!<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 War war war war. Lovely war! Wonderful war!<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shut up!! Targeted assassinations are off.<\/p>\n
Man:\u00a0\u00a0 Well could I have her war instead of the targeted assassinations then?<\/p>\n
Secretary of State:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You mean war war war war war war… (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)<\/p>\n
Vikings:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Singing elaborately…) War war war war. Lovely war! Wonderful war! War w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r war w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r war. Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! War war war war!<\/p>\n
No actual diplomats were harmed in the making of this production.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n _________________________<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n David Swanson is the author of <\/em>War Is A Lie and <\/em>Daybreak: Undoing the Imperial Presidency and Forming a More Perfect Union. He holds a master’s degree in philosophy from the University of Virginia and has worked as a newspaper reporter and as a communications director, including press secretary for Dennis Kucinich’s 2004 presidential campaign, media coordinator for the International Labor Communications Association, and three years as communications coordinator for ACORN<\/a>. He blogs at http:\/\/davidswanson.org<\/a> and http:\/\/warisacrime.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n