10 Reasons to Go Vegan That Have Nothing to Do with Animal Rights
ANIMAL RIGHTS - VEGETARIANISM, 26 May 2014
Do you want to go meat free but are sick of the animal rights crowd? Can’t remember a single stat about sustainable land use? Then try these alternative reasons (excuses) on for size.
I’ve been vegan for 16 years, and been telling people about it for almost as long. I’ve noticed a couple of things: Firstly, yelling at Frenzal Rhomb fans for daring to ask for an autograph with a cheeseburger in their hand doesn’t work. Secondly, there’s a whole bunch of you who want to be vego too, but are sick of the po-faced “woe is meat” people, or can’t remember the facts about “litres of water per hectare of soy per grazing cow” you read in a Guardian article.
So, for you, here are the 10 best reasons to go vego that have nothing to do with animal rights or the environment.
1. People before Produce
You’ve probably seen the videos shot by animal rights campaigners of cruelty to animals in slaughterhouses. But what about the workers? Especially overseas, abbatoir workers (who are often undocumented immigrants) are on low pay, with horrific conditions and expected to work at dangerous speeds to get that cow down to burger size. Forget about the animals, if human rights is your thing, so is going vego.
2. For Your Health
Former Australian cricket captain Greg Chappell, track and field legend Carl Lewis and Mr Universe bodybuilders Bill Pearl and Billy Simmonds are live meat-free. You could go vego to be like them! Because nothing screams fitspiration like a twice-marinated gluten steak on a mountain of nuttelex-infused mashed potato with enough tomato sauce to take away the taste of the twice-marinated gluten steak.
I know veganism isn’t “on-trend” right now. These days you’re more likely to see the waxed moustache-crowd sucking down pulled pork tacos, instead of the PETA celebrity-led vegan cupcake renaissance of 2002 (and didn’t that go well…). But these fashions swing around ever quicker. Better cough up your slider before you miss the tofu train…
4. Meat-Free Music
Who’s your favourite musician? I bet they’re vegan. Well okay, not all of them, but heaps are. Allday, that rapper dude from Melbourne, Jen from Ball Park Music, every one of your favourite metalcore bands. You already dress like them and pretend you’re them in the mirror, why not eat like them too?
5. The Antisocial network
Want to stay at home? Sick of all those dinner party invitations? Trust me, if you casually mention being vegan every time someone mentions their impending birthday party, those event requests will dry up quicker than a block of tempeh in the sun.
6. Waiter hater
Are you looking for a new way to annoy that guy you hate who happens to be a waiter? Or do you just enjoy being difficult? Go vegan! Then you’ve got the inalienable right to ask every single boring question, and then throw your meal back at him because the kitchen accidentally buttered your single origin sourdough.
7. Down on the farm
A story old as time. Kid visits uncle’s farm. Kid plays with cute lamb. Kid has delicious dinner and then finds out delicious dinner and cute lamb were one and the same. Life dedicated to saving cute lambs soon follows the crippling guilt.
8. Anaphalaxis of evil
This is a great way to blame not society, not the farmers, but the system – your immune system, to be precise. There’s a bug called the Lone Star Tick in the south of the US, which, when it bites you, causes hives, swelling and an anaphylactic allergy to meat. So book a ticket to Tennessee, find yourself a little parasite friend, and clock up a guilt-free excuse for your hippy diet.
9. Faux-mince Romance
Think about it: how better to portray yourself as an emotional, passionate, caring person than by emotionally, passionately, caring for animals? If the words “Hey babe, I hope the lining on your tote bag isn’t leather” doesn’t get you laid, they don’t deserve you.
10. The Band Made Me Do It
This was my excuse, and it was for real. “You’re not allowed to join the band unless you go vego” was a scary ultimatum. Sure, I had one 7-11 meat pie after my first show with Frenzal Rhomb, but I soon fell in line (and then lapped the rest of the vegetarians in the band, or cow-molesting savages, as they call themselves).
And there you have it. Ten almost entirely non-self-righteous ways to explain your impending vegetarianism, without resorting to the you-know-they’re-only-right-and-natural excuses of animals right and the environment.
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