TRANSCRIPT OF A SECRET MEETING BETWEEN AMERICANS AND CUBANS RECENTLY, SOMEWHERE IN HYDERABAD, INDIA
COMMENTARY ARCHIVES, 27 Feb 2010
US Senator: I think I speak for both of us in expressing thanks to our friends in Hyderabad India for facilitating this confidential consultation. It’s the first of its kind between both our countries, and I sure am glad the Press is nowhere in sight.
Cuban Rep: That’s the way you wanted it and we agreed.
US Senator: Yeah, what a relief! Now, Colonel, we are met to take a first look at conditions you will have to meet if the Embargo on Cuba is to be lifted. I am not saying such a possibility exists now or ever, but before such an eventuality can even be contemplated, we in the United States would like to see some changes in your policies.
Cuban Rep: Senator, the unjust and unilateral embargo imposed on Cuba for the last fifty years has strangled our economy but not our spirit! However, the Comandante and the President have entrusted me with the authority to negotiate with you for the lifting of the embargo. Anything within reason we are willing to accommodate.
US Senator: Well, Colonel, that’s the most reasonable statement we have heard from your government since their unconstitutional takeover in 1959. What we need to see is palpable and visible reform. That comes before anything else can happen.
Cuban Rep: What kinds of reform?
US Senator: Encouragement of private enterprise.
Cuban Rep: We have made a beginning.
US Senator: Not enough. We want to see openness.
Cuban Rep: We have opened up the beaches for tourism.
US Senator: Yeah, but we want to see you guys move towards the way Havana was before 1959.
Cuban Rep: That’s a tough call, Senator, so much has changed… but we have allowed some old practices to come back out of respect for the American way of life.
US Senator: Such as?
Cuban Rep: Don’t get me wrong, Senator, but Americans used to come to Havana in the old days for its hookers. Well, there are some around again.
US Senator: Yeah, I noted that. Good. That gives us some comfort. But we want it better organized along with gambling for high stakes, you know, the way it used to be?
Cuban Rep: I thought you believed in rugged individualism?
US Senator: Oh, we do, we do, don’t get me wrong, but there’s got to be Big Business involved as well, right? It doesn’t feel right if there is no Mafia!
Cuban Rep: Senator, I assure you crime does exist in Cuba.
US Senator: OK, but the way it is right now, it’s unacceptable. And what’s even more un-American is your Infant Mortality Rate, your Educational Statistics! Tell you what, Colonel,[leans forward whispering] it’s that close to being considered WMDs, only the President has stayed a full-scale attack on your island!
Cuban Rep: My God! But, but, Senator, the WHO, UNESCO, have all lauded our performance…
US Senator: That set of poofs! Look, Colonel, if you guys can produce a lower Infant Mortality Rate, poor as you are, than the good old United States of America, how do you think that makes us look? It’s a direct threat to our way of life, and we will do everything to preserve it, you can bet your bottom peso!
Cuban Rep: What do you want us to do?
US Senator: Look, we want to be friends, OK? The President wants to end this embargo. You’ve got to be in a position to receive US Aid! For Christ’s sake! We don’t want you to be sending doctors and medical relief all over Latin America! We want you to be more like Haiti!
Cuban Rep: More like Haiti?
US Senator: Yeah, out there with a begging bowl. We want to see beggars out there on the streets of Havana, hookers, drug pushers, to give us a sense of progress, of familiarity, savvy?
Cuban Rep: Let alone the Comandante, Senator, even our women would go through the roof if I publicized the price you are asking!
US Senator: Screw the women! I’m glad the Press aren’t around, we don’t want Hyderabad-gate, do we? Colonel, your Cuban women have got to conform with the rest. Why are they so educated? Why do they have so many top jobs? We want to see more illiterate women out on this island! Right now, the way they are is a direct military threat, and that’s a fact.
Cuban Rep: It will take more than a generation to do that!
US Senator: The question is, Are you serious about wanting the Embargo lifted or not? It’s not all that difficult, Colonel, if there is political will. Get everyone to pay for medicines, for hospital care, for schooling. Don’t give away nothing for free, ever! Give jobs only to a few, around your Fidel Castro, we don’t care. That’s the wonderful thing about Capitalism! You don’t have to worry about how to do these things, it all happens automatically, the rich get richer, the poor we always have with us, you get US Aid to give them, we station our troops over here, you are happy, we are happy, see?
Cuban Rep: I see what you mean, Senator, but it is wholly impossible to make literate people illiterate.
US Senator: Nonsense! Look around here in lil’ ole’ Hyderabad. The Indians know how to do it. Everything here is run in English, the government, business, universities, everything! If Cuba went English tomorrow, I’ll bet my bottom dollar you will have a healthy record of illiteracy!
Cuban Rep: [standing up] Thank you, Senator. I will report to my superiors about your terms.[hesitating] Actually, I was a little worried you might bring up the question of dissidents in jail.
US Senator: [standing up, smiling] Nah, who cares! We have over three million guys locked up back home right now, it’s been good for privatizing the jail business. All our friendly countries have jails bursting with people, and that’s okay with us.
Cuban Rep: Most of the men in Cuban jails were trained by the CIA, Senator.
US Senator: That true? Tell you what. You work along the lines I have suggested, and we will take them all back and shove them into Guantanamo, you have my word for it! [They shake hands]
This article originally appeared on Transcend Media Service (TMS) on 27 Feb 2010.
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