Leaked: Mainstream Media’s Dictionary (satire) – Letters A to B
MEDIA, 20 Jun 2011
A –
academic. adj.
Man in bow-tie. Usually represents think-tank or university. Explains the science behind global warming and/or new CERN project while anchor nods pretending to understand.
accident. n.
Airstrike in Afghanistan by NATO/ISAF forces usually killing scores of men, women and children.
accountability. n.
The thing our leaders demand of the bad guys.
ad lib. v.
The “eerrrrmm…”, “errrr”, “well, let’s take a look at errr…wait…err…”, “let’s bring you up to speed now with the ummmm, latest, and errr, join errrr…” that is often heard from usually articulate news anchor in a breaking news situation.
admission. n.
Occurs usually one week after the first pictures of the politician’s sensitive anatomical part appears on the internet, three days after first stringent denial.
airstrike. n.
See accident.
alive. adj.
Not newsworthy. See dead.
allegation. n.
The absolute truth, until the other guy responds in the next bulletin.
alleviate. v. tr.
Often used by the UN secretary-general. Usually sandwiched between “aim to” and “poverty”.
ally. n.
Visionary leader who hears and obeys the US president. Need not be democratically elected. See reformist.
amnesty international. n.
all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing superman, batman, spiderman, wonderwoman hybrid force of moral perfection bringing peace, justice and human rights to the world.
anchor. n.
Suited, autocue/teleprompter reader. Raises eyebrow when asking tough questions. Shakes head in empathy when informing viewer of death and destruction.
Prone to asking, “What’s the latest?” and “How significant is this?”
Oftentimes asked to talk to a blank screen on occasion. See ad lib and breaking news.
answer. n.
Something said or done in reaction to question from anchor, often interjected or cut-off before point is made.
anti-Semite. n.
Guest or commentator who has ever used the words “Israeli occupation” on network.
apartheid. n.
System of South African racial segregation and white supremacy.
Lasted half a century, ended 17 years ago. No living, contemporary human being has ever been found to have supported it. Unrelated to any other modern conflicts. See anti-Semite.
apology. n.
See airstrike; accident; admission.
Arabic. n.
Language heard during news report’s first five seconds of natural sound, usually shouted by bearded men in a fiery collective exclamation of ALLAHU-AKBAR, followed by loud blast, then reporter’s voice and the rest of the news report follows. Recently heard in Benghazi.
arrest. v. tr.
Archaic form of dealing with terrorists, superseded by airstrike.
asylum seeker. n.
Unskilled, usually lazy third-world traveler. Exaggerates own country’s internal problems. Part of broader plot to steal western jobs and destroy the economy.
atrocity. n.
Act of mass murder. Only Arab, Asian, African and Balkan leaders capable. See genocide.
attack. v. tr.
Act of violence by a non-state group or entity. For state response, see defence; retaliation.
authentic. adj.
YouTube video and/or blog or Facebook update from activist in restive country. For immediate broadcast.
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B –
baggage. n.
Part of travelling entourage left unfondled by the US Transportation Security Administration (TSA).
bailout. n.
Urgent taxpayer-funded cash payment for upgrade of banking executive’s yacht after financial crisis.
Bahrain. n.
Nothing happening here, move on.
bank. n.
Distressed and oppressed institution, in need of immediate government financial assistance. Advertises between our bulletins. See infallible, bailout.
Ban Ki-moon. n.
Short form of Korean name. Add “has called for all sides to exercise restraint and engage in dialogue” for full form.
banner. n.
Written public affirmation or statement, usually found at demonstrations. Banners with the words “PEACE; LOVE; HARMONY” or related concepts generally avoided. Camera ideally focused on “DEATH TO AMERICA; 9/11; SHARIA LAW; NO IMMIGRANTS; GO BACK TO MEXICO” and other related concepts.
Barack Obama. n.
See Messiah.
barbaric. adj.
Dastardly Third World acts like “honour-killing”, genital mutilation and sacrificial sheep slaughter. Not to be confused with first-world social issues. See crime, domestic abuse, McDonald’s.
BBC. n.
Moral compass. Useful website when AP, Reuters or AFP agencies are lacking in information. Copy-paste discouraged. Always re-phrase. See God.
bleak. adj.
See Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
bluff. v.
Any Hamas, FARC, Hezbollah, Naxalite, ETA, LTTE offer of peace or ceasefire without conditions.
bomb. n.
Top story.
border. n.
Arbitrary, 20th century artificial line drawn up by first-world leaders, imposed on third-world countries. Often heard in conjunction with Ban Ki-moon.
breaking news. n.
See airstrike, bomb, earthquake, tsunami or Tiger Woods.
brown. adj.
See suspect.
bulldoze. v. tr.
Peaceful clearing of disputed land to fulfil divine will. See West Bank.
burqas. n.
Banned, violent weapons engaged in asymmetric warfare aimed at overthrowing European values. Fears that there may be as many as five in Paris alone.
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